Chazonator Videos


Friday, May 9, 2014

A Homophobic Star is exposed!

With Mother's Day coming up so fast, I'm finding myself feeling more emotional than I ever anticipated. My mother and I just don't talk anymore. I can't really explain why because I don't really know why my mother doesn't call me. I can say that I remember our last conversation quite vividly. I remember crying, and telling her how much I love her. And yet, I had the distinct impression that my mother's mind was occupied with something, anything, other than me, and my emotions. She's heard it all before.We both know there's so much water under our bridge, and that it's flooded the valleys and made getting home an impossible task for me. My home is here, where I live in Northern Illinois with my husband and our sons. And yet, from time to time, I miss my mommy and her big, warm hugs. I feel the loss of parental love as strongly as I give parental love to my own sons. It's an odd combination, but my love for my kids is the kind of love I deserve and always have. I'm a good son. I never stopped loving my mother, and I have forgiven her for everything she's ever done to hurt me.

Over the years I did everything I could to get back home. No matter where I was living, Chicago, Miami, New York, or LA, I would beg, steal, borrow and screw my way back home to my "family". That's how much I missed my brothers and sisters, nephews, nieces and my mom. But in the last twenty two years of living with my husband, watching our boys grow into intelligent, young men, I've learned what family really is. I've lost the two closest biological family members, tragically and far before their time. A big brother isn't supposed to live longer than his little brother. A favorite uncle should never outlive his favorite nephew. And yet, the best friends I ever had, who knew me better than anyone else in the world, who grew up knowing me their entire lives, are gone. And all I have left are the memories and the hope of reuniting with them in another realm, an afterlife. At age sixteen, my nephew attempted suicide. I used all my savings from stripping at a gay bar to put gas in my beat up 1978 Thunderbird, and had to stop ever hour to refill the power steering fluid, but I made the six hour trip to see him in the hospital. He never forgot that. I showed him what family means when I showed up that night. He would spend the rest of his life returning that gift to me. I can honestly say that I have not ever had an argument with my nephew Brian. And while I can reluctantly admit that my husband and I both forgot our 7th anniversary, I never, ever forgot Brian's birthday. It was yesterday, May 8th. He would have been 38 years old. Losing him has had a profound effect on me and how I view the world and people who claim to love me. I know what real, biological, family love is. I had it and now it's gone, but there's a ray of light at the end of this dark tunnel I've seemingly found myself in. Her name is Jamie, and she's Brian's little sister. Jamie and I have been getting closer for a few years now, but we are much closer now that we share the pain of losing Brian. I have had to do some incredibly hard things in my life. I've held my elderly cat and a few dogs in my arms and watched them draw their last breath, as the vet gave them a lethal injection to end their pain and suffering. The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was to be the one to tell Jamie that her brother had died. I will never be able to escape that memory.

The Funeral

I lost my hotel room deposit when I cancelled my reservation at the last minute. How could I attend Brian's funeral with the swarm of hate that started raining down on me before I could even pack my bag? I had posted on facebook that I supported Brian's wife Diana in all of her decisions, with regards to his funeral arrangements and final resting place. This outraged some of my siblings, especially Brian's mother Starliene, my sister. Star wanted to have Brian's body transported to Shelbyville, KY to be put on display for the public. Brian hated Shelbyville. He had way too many enemies there. I suggested that anyone who didn't think he was worth the drive in death, probably never drove to see him in life, so stay home because he knew how you felt about him. That brought me some unexpected backlash from a brother in law, who called, out of the blue, to insist that if I show up at the funeral I should be willing to hug my sister Star. Why in the hell would I want to console her? Her last words to Brian were so harsh that he called me two weeks before he died, literally sobbing. "My own mother said that 'm her biggest mistake in life and that I am dead to her". He said. Now, suddenly, Star wants to snatch his body from his wife, have it delivered to her desired location, like a pizza, and put on display, so that she can put on her Oscar winning acting performance and put out her "woe is me, donate money to my addiction" monologue. My brother in law was offended and started taking personal jabs at me. "Do you still bite your hand when you get angry?" he said. As a child I learned to bite myself whenever I wanted to hit my little brother. It's a running joke in our family. It reminded me of all the other running jokes in our family, and so I asked him if he got a job, learned to read or stopped pissing on my sister in the bed on occasion. He didn't like that very much. I doubt I'll ever see or hear from him again. And you know what, that's just fine with me. I'll take one real love over a million fake ones any day. But I wasn't going to Brian's funeral and allowing my presence to distract from the celebration of his life that took place that day. I'm not going to second guess the decision either. I did the right thing, although it was a sacrifice, it was made in his honor. He wasn't in that casket. His spirit is free, and he will always live on in my heart. I would trade places with him or my little brother who died, if I could. Life without them will never be the same for me.


People read my posts on facebook and think I'm crazy. How can I express such deep sorrow and loss, while simultaneously expressing such disgust and contempt for my sister Star? The answer is simple. I'm a multifaceted, three dimensional person, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. You may argue that it's not normal for siblings to harbor such feelings of deep seeded hate. That's assuming you know what "normal" is and can define it for the rest of us. Forgiveness must be earned. I can say I forgive Star for letting Brian take the rap on that robbery she involved him in, and allowing him to do hard time. I can say I forgive her for going to his ex wife's attorney and falsely accusing him of horrible acts he never even thought about committing, just to receive joy in his pain of being separated from his only son. But saying it means nothing if I can't show it, and I will never be able to allow her to get within a hundred feet of me, much less express any love to her. She probably doesn't know that I'm aware of all the lies she was telling over the continental breakfast, at the hotel, the morning of the funeral. There she was, stuffing her face with biscuits and gravy, slandering me and her own son, who lay in a casket for her final viewing pleasure. When most mothers would be grieving beyond ability to speak, she was running around telling people that Brian was a prostitute and I was his pimp, and that I raped him. Not a word of any of that is true at all. I have never harmed a child in my life and neither did Brian. I have never pimped anybody out in my life, and Brian was completely heterosexual, as his loving wife can testify. So no! I can't forgive Starliene for any of these things. But don't allow yourself to feel sorry for me. I'm not carrying her hate around with me. I have an incredible life. The love my husband and kids give me makes up for all the love I never really had in my biological family. After hearing about the lies she told then, and continues to spread now, I can only laugh at my sister Star now. She's an absolute joke. I've heard that she's still taking up donations to pay for Brian's funeral. His funeral was paid for before he died. He had a life insurance policy. Anyone who gives her a cent is a fool. As for me, well I don't entertain thoughts of her often, but when I do, I don't get all worked up or angry. Like Glenda, the good witch said to the wicked witch of the West. "You have no power here! Be gone before somebody drops a house on you too!" Nobody ever suggested that Glenda had no right to put that witch in her place. 

And so, as I promised my friends on facebook, here's the recording of my sister Star, calling me, at home, saying horrific things about me and my nephew, days after his death. Tell me, is this the voice of a grieving mother? Does this sound like someone who just lost her only son, or an evil bitch who made her only son's life miserable? I think her own words speak volumes about the kind of person she is. She was recently investigated for child abuse after putting her 17 year old granddaughters head through a wall. The woman is a nut! She's also stupid enough to knowingly leave a recorded voice message that she can't take back. I own this recording. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Sharing is caring, so share my shit!

It's been a very busy week around my home. I've been recording, editing and producing my new web series "Chaz On" for youtube. I think I will be posting two videos a week, on average, as long as I don't run out of topics to cover or people to listen.

The shows are getting better and I'm getting paid by youtube!

If you watch this week's episodes, note the sound quality improvement. This is due to my new microphone. I finally invested $99 and got myself a great mic for all my audio recording needs. It's called the Nessie and its worth every penny. I've also invested in some new Sony Vegas video editing software to give me the best tools I know how to use for video editing, creation and special effects. I opted to get the $79 version of Vegas software, instead of Vegas Pro, which is upwards of $599. I'm not crazy and this is a hobby. I don't expect to make any profit from my new yotube partnership status at all. Only one of my videos could be considered remotely "viral", and it's How to broil a lobster tail. I've neglected my youtube account for too many years to expect to rekindle my fan base from 2010, when I was getting the most views and ended up being kicked off of youtube and censored. Those days are gone and I can forgive Google, as long as they're willing to split the profits my media generates for them, with me. But this partner thing isn't what people think it is. It's actually real work if anyone really wants to expand their audience online, and so I've been doing my research on how to get my videos ranked in google and youtube and how to get the most views for your videos. Believe it or not, the secret is simple. It's all in the key words and descriptions and titles of the videos themselves. People are looking for my videos. I just had to tweek my key words "tags" and descriptions and titles to get Google to place my videos in front of the people searching for them. I've always had a knack for creative writing. This is like getting spelling words and turning them all into a story. It's basically the secret to how my lobster tail video got 150,000 views. If you google How to broil lobster tail my video is number 3 in the search. That's the first page, of tens of thousands of pages related to the subject. Why me? It's all in the words. I have a reason to have my videos viewed as much as possible now. But the money is not much at all. In fact, it's been about a week since I accepted the youtube partnership offer and I've earned a whopping $2.23 LOL! So trust me folks, this ain't no get rich quick scheme. It's a process, and one that comes with goals that must be set and achieved, like anything else. Anyone who follows me knows that I have only one goal, in all of my online endeavors, and that is equality for all. It's priceless and yet it's free. That's what motivates me.

Chaz On is a 5 minute or less opinion segment. It's like Naked Truth Gay News In Review, one scene at a time. It's geared toward the ADHD audience of today who don't have time to watch a full, twenty minute newscast. My first goal for the show is to simply cover a topic that isn't LGBT related. I've done four episodes so far and they're all about gays adopting, hating on each other and bisexuals and trannies etc. You should hear what I think about the GOP and the religious right wing, illegal immigration, corporate slavery and conspiracy theorists. And you will, soon, because my motor mouth won't shut up! But I'm not going to lie. I wouldn't be blogging right now if it wasn't for the LGBT followers who have stayed with me for years, following me as I jumped from FM radio, to Radio Gay International Nework, to youtube, then to Blip tv and now back to youtube again. God knows this blog is one of the best places to receive updates from me, as it's been here the longest, and I love posting here whenever I can. And I have powers of perception called analytic data, which I receive from Google, that tells me a lot about who is reading my blog and watching my videos. My audience fluctuates slightly, but it averages 50% male and 50% female. Most of you are between the ages of 25 and 55. You actually watch my videos to the end, mostly. Armed with this knowledge, and an understanding of why my most popular videos are being noticed, I'm prepared to give you more of what it is you're expecting from me, but kick it up to a whole new level. Expect more comedic spoofs, more shockingly easy, but intimidating recipes, more opinions on more topics, and more original music. There's nothing I love more than sharing my talents with the world, and celebrating those shared with me. In fact, I'll share you too. Post your own youtube video sending me a shout out. I'll download it from there and put a clip of you in my own video. I'd love to show you off if you're really digging what I do. And if you make youtube videos too, let me know. I have so many friends that I can't keep up. You really have to message them to me on youtube to let me know what you're doing so I can share it as well. There's no reason we can't promote each other.

For now, in case you missed either episode of this weeks show, Here they are. Please share with your friends if you find my opinions relevant. If my language is too offensive, then simply share my message with others in your own words.

And click here to watch Chaz On Gay Parenting

Lastly, I leave you all with a question, and I'd really like an answer. You can post in a comment below this blog link in my social networks, or directly under the blog. What topic would you like to hear my brutally honest opinions about next?

Monday, April 28, 2014

I'm back on my old blog again, and I've got a lot to say!

I'm very excited to be back on my old blog again. I've been away for a long time because I went mobile, and there's no app for all the shit I've got to say. So I'm back on a computer again, and this time with a vengeance. I've got a lot to catch up on with politics, religion and so many social issues to address. I tried writing a couple blogs on a new account, but it just wasn't the same. Here, you can go back through my archives and read all about my sordid life, and the many scandals I've been sucked into. You can also be one of the first to know when I upload a new video. There will be many more to come. Just in the past week alone, I've created three new videos. The most recent is the third in my cooking series on youtube called "Cooking With Chaz". I'm teaching everyone how to make delicious meatballs, easily, in just 1 hour and ten minutes, tops!

If you like that video, you'll love the others in the series, linked below it on youtube.

I've created a brand new series as well. It's similar to my Naked Truth Gay News series, but it's shorter and, instead of multiple segments on various topics, I basically give one single topic a total tongue fucking and put it all into perspective for your consumption. It's called "Chaz On" and as the title suggests, I will be on every topic. So check back often to hear what I have to say next. If you know me at all, you know I hold nothing back.

So what brings Chazonator out of his long hiatus? It could be the election year and the consequences of a possible Republican controlled government that will gridlock our economy and set us back into the stone ages socially. It could be that my kids are all grow'd up and no longer need as much of my undivided attention. It could be that my husband is driving me crazy, in retirement, with too many long hours of movies and TV shows. It could be that I got so excited from the 150,000 views my how to broil a lobster tail video received that I simply couldn't keep my fans hungry for more Chazonator, LOL. Whatever the reason, or combination thereof, I'm back! And I's married now. I say I's married now, ya hear? In case you're not on my facebook friends list yet, I am no longer Carl Shepherd aka Chazonator. I am now Carl Szulczynski, aka Chazonator. On October 11, 2014, I married my partner of 21 years in  little park in Iowa. It was a very small ceremony, officiated over by a wonderful friend Pastor Winchester. I'm planning to revamp the wedding video soon, but there's a lower quality version on my youtube channel for now. 

Sunday, February 26, 2012

I'm Here

I wrote this poem when I was 25 years old. Oddly enough, it still applies to my life after all these years.

Write me a letter
Drop me a line
Dial my number any time
Cause I'm here

It doesn't matter
What we've said
Or what kind of lives we've led
I'm still here

I can't be held responsible
For what my daddy did
He was an abuser and I was just a kid
But I'm here

I was a victim
As much as you
I was abused by my daddy too
And I'm here

I've tried to erase the pain
I've looked to death and hoped to gain
An end to all the misery
But even death avoided me
I'm still here

Many sisters and brothers
Nieces nephews and others
Many not knowing me anymore
Not knowing what I'm living for
But I'm here

Once I lived for all of you
I tried to be who you wanted me to
What good is being in a family
If I can't be who I want to be
So I'm here

I'll always be a phone call away
But I no longer wait to hear you say
How much you love me or how much you care
Why wait for something that was never there

I'm here

Monday, January 30, 2012

Will the world end in 2012?

I recently had a strange dream that led me on an investigative path to discover truth in our world. In the dream, it was the 4th of July, and I walked out into my back yard to see fireworks bursting in the NorthWestern sky above our home in Illinois. What I witnessed, in my dream, was a UFO, flying among the fireworks. It was round, and it was spinning, and it was lit up like a Christmas tree. This dream inspired me to seek out the TV series "Ancient Aliens" and revisit what I'd learned watching it last year. I was delighted to find a second season of the series on Netflix, and I watched all 10 new shows. It's truly fascinating. The theory the series presents is that there is a strong connection between the pyramids of Egypt and Mexico, and in landscape designs in Peru etc., and the rapidly increasing UFO reports and videos going viral on the web. There is very compelling evidence that this connection is real. For example, the ancient Mayans made many predictions in their famous calendar and hieroglyphs that came true. The Mayans predicted, to the exact date, when white, bearded Gods would arrive on sea vessels and create destruction and chaos. What they called Gods were the Spaniards who attacked them and drastically reduced their numbers during the famed Spanish Inquisition. The Mayans, who are as famous for their prehistoric pottery, could not have possibly built their pyramids with the technology they had on Earth. The question is, who helped them? Many believe they were helped and warned by extraterrestrials. Like modern man, not all Mayans believed in the prophesy, but those who saw destruction coming saved their race and moved on into the new world, preserving their ancient culture when and wherever possible. In recent years, the Mayan code has been unlocked, and the secrets they shared are shocking. The Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. The translations detail a knowledge of astronomy that wasn't discovered by the white man until recently, in historic terms. How did the Mayans know that the Earth would align with other planets and the sun? How did they know that black holes existed, when our own science has just discovered the first real black hole in the past decade? We cannot ignore these facts, and they are very well documented and indisputable. 

After hundreds of hours of researching each phenomena, such as Stone henge and most recently, the Georgia Guide Stones, and the New World Order conspiracy theories, I'm coming to a conclusion that I didn't expect to find. Yes, our governments are keeping secrets. That's never been a secret. You can't get close to area 51, it's true, but guess what, you can't get close to any military installation. It is and always has been a matter of National Security. Imagine if the press had access to nuclear weapons. Now that's scary. And so, this secrecy is not shocking. If a New World Order is defined by government control, we are already there friends, and have been for all our lives. Stupid laws put good people in jail every day. Smoke some weed, go to jail. Refuse to pay taxes because your equality isn't guaranteed, and go to jail. Healthcare and food are for the rich, not the poor. Outside the bubble of Capitalism, death from starvation and preventable illness kills millions. Somehow, we are okay with that, as long as its not in our own back yard. Just ask the Mayans today how this new world is working out for them. Not very well. Without a credit card or a corporation telling you when to clock in and where, most Americans are screwed. Isn't credit the real mark of the beast? Doesn't the police brutality during the "Occupy" protests and MidEast uprisings just reek of a world-wide police state? Aren't we already living under a corporately controlled New World Order that we contribute to daily with every gallon of gas we buy, or the plastic bottle of water we fill the land and oceans with? By the way, that bottle of water costs more per gallon than the gas in the USA, so switch to the tap and save some cash. If someone is going to poison your water, it'll be a hell of a lot easier to do in an bottle. And are we not leaving carbon footprints behind for our grandchildren to clean up after? Of course we are. Humanity is a cancer to planet Earth, and here I was thinking I coined the phrase, only to discover it inscribed on the Georgia Guide Stones. I was curious to see what they actually said, after hearing about them in so many shows and YouTube videos, but never being told precisely what they outline. Below are the 10 points made on these stones. Some call them commandments, but that is an inaccurate description. Nothing is commanded, but simply guidelines that, in the opinion of those who erected this monument, are in the best interest of the planet and the continuation of our species. Below each guideline, you will find my opinion. 

Georgia Guide Stones

1) Maintain humanity under 500 million in perpetual balance with nature.
My opinion: This says to maintain under 500 million, it says nothing about killing off 90% of the world population. While it is easy for conspiracy theorists to find evidence of a Bilderberg, illuminati, New World Order conspiracy to "cull" the population, this monument makes no mention of such a thing. Is it not conceivable that this monument was erected in the same fashion as the famous Stone Henge in England because it is a continuation of the ancient prophesy that Stone Henge implies, the end of days in a celestial event that we can watch for, using the very markers that stand, aligned with the stars? Could the message really be another warning that something from the sky will destroy the planet, and a New World is coming, and cannot be prevented? Even the bible implies that the Earth will be destroyed by fire. Could this be a warning, in conjunction with the Mayan prediction that our planetary alignment, the position of the black hole, and the solar activity  peek we are now finding ourselves entering is imminent? This makes more sense to me than a mass depopulation of 90% of the planet by rich people who want the world for themselves. Have you ever tried to get rid of cockroaches or mice? Good luck with that. I fail to believe that a bunch of entitled, stuck up hogs are capable of controlling anything but their own bank accounts. Secret societies, sure, but their ability and willingness to kill mankind, not so much. This isn't ancient scripture, it's recent, man made text from 1979. The language is clear. Maintain doesn't mean destroy. Modern Christianity wouldn't accept these guidelines, and so it makes sense they would refer to them as anti Christ. Being a gay man with no intention of reproducing, I believe I have less reason to trust mainstream Christianity than I do, R C Christian, the anonymous person who contracted the construction of these stones. One thing is indisputable, there is definitely an imbalance of nature when there are more people to eat the creatures that naturally occur in nature. As my bow hunting nephew says, "If people had to live off the land, all the game animals would be gone fast! And he's absolutely right. We've been breeding and genetically modifying livestock and produce for far too long, and it's stripping the land of its natural bounty. Ask yourself is this really what our creator intended? Is this harmony? I think not. 

2) guide reproduction wisely improving fitness and diversity. 

My opinion: Isn't it funny how we don't take to the streets to protest the long standing laws in China that dictate how many children a family can have? As long as it doesn't affect us here, why should we care right? Most of us don't agree with these laws, but neither can we imagine the consequence of not having them in place for so long. 7 billion people, sucking up oil and water and digging up the earth for cultivation and building are bound to have an adverse affect on nature. The average American doesn't bother to plant trees or flowers, but they sure don't mind popping out 2.5 clones they can't take care of, much less raise with any amount of social responsibility. In 2000, I wrote a song called Decade of Gay. The lyrics describe how just one decade without procreation could resolve many of the worlds worst problems like homelessness and starvation and chaos. That's not going to happen. If you think the same God who created humans approves of the planetary devastation we commit, the you're not worshipping a God that loves all creation at all, are you? and what's wrong with fitness and diversity? Isn't the goal of every species to ensure its survival through passing on the best genes?

3) unite humanity with a living new language

My opinion: Good news friends,  no more pressing 1 for English! If your frustration is that you don't understand your neighbor, you won't have to worry about it again. 

4) rule passion, faith, tradition, and all things with tempered reason

My opinion: Passion is a double edged sword. Ever heard of passion killing? Feeling passionately about faith can lead one to violate the very faith they believe in. I've witnessed this first hand through judgmental Christians, violating their own bible to tell me I'm going to hell. Judge not, lest ye be judged, right. There's no tempered reason behind the so called Christians in Uganda trying to create laws that kill gays who do not give birth to the many AIDS babies starving in their 3rd world country. Imagine what these heathens could accomplish if they focussed their hatred and resources for the betterment of their society, rather than killing innocent gay people who harm nobody. There's a big difference between being passionate and compassionate. 

5) protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts

My opinion: It's easy for those of us living in the land of the World Police to believe that we are in a real democracy, but we never have been. If this were a democracy, everyone would have equal opportunity, and that is clearly not the case. 1% of our country's population controls 40% of our wealth. If that's Capitalism, you can keep it. When 1% use their wealth and power to control our laws and keep us working like dogs without paying a living wage, while affordable healthcare isn't accessible, it's a shame, not a democracy. When people with money can literally get away with murder, while the poorest people spend years behind bars for smoking or selling weed, it's not equality. Alcohol is legal, and accessible and making big corporations richer. They like dumbing us down, and they will do anything to prevent the mind opening experience and medical benefits that marijuana provides. You can get as high as you want on prescription drugs, and lots of people do, but heaven forbid you should smoke a joint in America! And let's not forget the sodomy laws that ignored Hetero-oral and anal sex. Only gay men were targeted by them. Anal sex doesn't lead to unwanted children. 

6) let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court

My opinion: This doesn't sound like a doomsday apocalypse that will be expected to kill everyone on the planet to me. How will they weed us out and pick and choose who survives? They can't, but they can anticipate the events, predicted by the ancients, and assume that people of many nations will survive. A world order is just that, order in a chaotic world. That's not as scary as a solar flare forcing us all into holes in the ground, is it. The World court deals with inter-national crimes. We already have the United Nations. Just imagine them actually doing their jobs. George Bush would have been put out of our misery the moment he committed his first war crime, in violation of the Geneva Convention. 

7) avoid petty laws and useless officials

My opinion: See all my previous opinions. The UN the Supreme Court in the USA, and indeed, the Geneva Convention itself are useless and worthless in protecting the best interests of humanity. 

8) balance personal rights with social duties

When your right to free speech violates my right to live freely, there's a hole in our system. Three words, God Hates Fags. I can defend free speech, but I refuse to defend hate speech. The distinction is clear to those of us with a conscience. We have a social duty to respect each other. This is no different from the biblical guideline which says, "Do unto others as you'd have done unto you". It's unfortunate that so many Christians defend Leviticus more than they do this golden rule. 

9) Prize truth, beauty, love, seeking harmony with the infinite

My opinion: The truth is the most important thing that anyone can find for themselves. All thinking creatures seek the truth. Where is the food? Who is God? Why are we here? Where did we come from? The most intelligent people I know are not the ones who sit back and take any words out of ANY book, apply blind faith and call it truth. Never take yes for an answer friends, unless you've confirmed it for yourselves. Don't take my word for that, unless it makes absolute sense to you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or is it? Natural beauty is all around us. Tourists flock to beaches by the billions. Poetry is written about mountain tops and flowers and lakes and trees. I find beauty in every human being, even it requires me to picture a bitchy adult as an innocent child. We have all been beautiful, at one time or another. Isn't it a shame that our beauty isn't nurtured by the love we all long for and deserve? Love is universal. It is the opposite of hate. If this monument was erected by devil worshipers, then where is the word hate? Sure, my satanist friends will chime in and say they don't hate, but your monster music says something different. It's like listening to the cookie monster on crack singing the praises of demons. That's not love, and hate is not prescribed or implied anywhere on this granite document. 

10) be not a cancer on the earth, leave room for nature, leave room for nature

There's that word again, cancer. Who is a cancer on the earth? Corporations! They dig up oil and reroute our natural waterways, only to pollute the planet for the greed of wealth. I am a cancer on the planet right now too, and so are you. Every gallon of fuel we burn, every piece of plastic we dispose of, and every tree that is cut down to build our home effects nature, and creates an ecological imbalance. The unchecked audacity of our species to claim self superiority over every other biological and botanical life form is really destructive and unsustainable. The bible says be fruitful. It doesn't say anything about ripping out the Rainforest lungs of the planet, or forcing other species into extinction. The creator "himself" can surely not be satisfied with the collective weapon of mass destruction that humanity has become. News flash. Billions of people are starving around the planet. On a global scale, we US citizens are the 1% hoarding the food, water and energy resources while the rest starve and suffer. We should really all be living off the grid, but we are addicted to our own culture of fast food and media distraction. We are the Old World Order, and that has to change before we end up eating ourselves. Why shouldn't we leave room for nature? What has nature ever done to harm us? Be good to nature, and nature will be good to you. Anyone who has ever planted a garden can tell you that. 

In closing, no, I'm not convinced that aliens have been or will return to the Earth. I'm at as much of a loss as anybody to explain these ancient structures. I do, however, believe in solar flares, and the scientific discovery that our Earth's magnetosphere has a gaping hole that leaves our planet vulnerable to solar radiation. Yes, wealthy people are building underground condos, but they can't control the sun, or where its radiation settles, or can they? Perhaps the HAARP program is being used for the purpose of controlling the impending radiation more than it is to control the weather. HAARP is a series of 72 ft talk antennas which  can direct electromagnetic waves that can create and move cloud formations. Since radiation could, hypothetically, be moved electromagnetically as well, I'm more inclined to believe that it's what HAARP is for. Does that mean these antennas are any less vulnerable to a direct hit from the sun, no.  Does the government know what's coming, of course they do. Is there a conspiracy to hide the truth? Of course there is. If every news anchor went on the air and told the world that a catastrophic event was coming, and when, you would witness social unrest and chaos that would put everybody on the planet at risk. I'm inclined to believe that solar flares could come in stages, and many will see them coming and try to prepare. For some, that means collecting canned food, living off the grid, and/or seeking shelter underground. For others, it would mean, "These are my last days and God isn't going to help me, so I'm going to rob you and live my last day like a king". Personally, I see no reason why anyone wouldn't want to have a gun handy, just in case. We can't trust our governments to protect us now, what would make anyone think we can trust them in the future. Hurricane Katrina was just a preview of what we can expect. Of course FEMA has built a bunch of prisons and stockpiled coffins. It's called catastrophe preparedness, and I do believe they know a lot that we do not about what could be coming our way. With every stage of the cataclysmic solar flare events we could experience, there will be social unrest and a need to imprison looters and thieves. There would be a need for caskets, in order to humanely bury the massive numbers of dead that this destruction could bring. If they were planning on just dumping our bodies into a landfill, like the Nazis, they wouldn't need caskets. The so called FEMA camps would be a necessary safe place for families to go, in order to escape chaos and homelessness. Why wouldn't they be designed to keep people from coming and going. It's security. I'm not advising anyone to sign up for a trailer. I'm just saying that things could get so bad that you might wish you had a reservation at one of these camps by the time it's all over. Is December 21, 2012 the end of the world? I don't think so. However, I can't ignore the ancient Mayan predictions, or their accuracy to date any more than I can explain them, and so it just makes sense to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. One thing is for certain, New World Order conspiracy, natural catastrophe or anything else of such a grand scale cannot be avoided by mere mortals like you or me. So don't lose sleep over something you cannot control. If you have faith in a God, then put your trust in your creator and pray for yourselves and your families. If you believe in an afterlife, you have nothing to worry about at all. Put it in God's hands. 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

I do not hate Ted Haggard

Those who follow me can imagine that this past week has been very stressful for me. I made the decision to share private details about my connection to Ted Haggard, and it stirred up quite a stink. I've continued to avoid the media, for now, as I don't see how it would benefit anybody for me to give a detailed interview before Ted is questioned by them first and has his opportunity to respond with the truth. He was my friend, and I loved him. I still care about Ted and his family, which is why this was so hard to do. I had to weigh the pros and cons, and I determined that my tens of thousands of gay friends and fans deserve the truth. I've been in touch with Ted via Facebook and we have literally written a novel between us, that details my concerns and his inability to comprehend them. While Ted and I do not see eye to eye on same sex marriage or what he perceives as "God's best plan" for me. I've tried very hard to stay his friend, hoping that his thinking would evolve and that I could eventually help him understand that separate is never equal. His statements are damaging, and create a second class citizenship within his church. He says he's evolving. I'm not willing to write him off just yet. There are a lot of good things about this man. He has helped impoverished and addicted people, and that's more than most do. He doesn't want to be put into anybody's box, and he doesn't describe himself as bisexual. That's his prerogative, but his same sex attraction continues, regardless of the words used to describe it. There is no shame in same sex attraction. The shame comes from denying it, allowing his wife to claim that he's been healed of it, and judging my same sex attraction as less than what God wants for us. He is willing to help Gary Busey marry his girlfriend, but he wouldn't consider officiating my civil union ceremony. If I'm not equal to him, in his own mind, then I cannot continue to support his efforts to "resurrect" himself. 

I am a bisexual Christian. I was born with same sex attraction, and it showed at a very early age. Ted and I share a childhood trauma. We were both victims of child molestation. While Ted apparently spent his life thinking his molester made him this way, I see it differently. The man who molested me when i was 12 years old, specifically picked me to molest because he knew I had a secret, and to keep my secret, I had to keep his. It's taken years of living an open life for me to understand this. I can forgive Ted for catching up at his own pace. It's a process. I didn't even realize I had been molested until I was 16. I spent 4 years of my life blaming myself for what an adult did to me. Ted says that he never claimed to be healed of anything other than his childhood trauma. I'd say that's a miraculous healing, considering the decades of damage molestation caused me. I spent much of my adult life thinking I was only worth what people would pay me for sex. The gifts the molester gave me to keep quiet, introduced me to prostitution, and it made sexual intimacy and love two separate things in my mind for so long, ruining my relationships before they started. 

Ted and Gayle's relationship is real. They do love each other and support each other. They've been together for 33 years, and have raised a beautiful family together. I'm not trying to wreck anybody's home. I don't think that's possible here. My blog was as much a confessional as an exposé. I did wrong. I am in a monogamous relationship, and for me to lust after Ted, and share in sex talk on the phone was a violation of my own principals. My spouse and I have been together almost 20 years, and he deserves better from me than that. 

I've been an equality activist and a citizen journalist since 2007.  I've been friends with Ted Haggard for almost 2 years. Let me be very clear about this, it wasn't until November, 2011 that Ted shared with me how my partnership would not be accepted in his church. That's the reason I'm doing this. As my friend, he cannot treat me, or anyone like me, less than equal. I have too much love for myself to allow that. As with all my reporting, if it's affecting me, it's probably affecting others, and should be shared. This doesn't mean that I want to read nasty, unfounded comments about Ted. Unlike the other two men who had sexual experiences with Ted, Mike Jones and Grant Haas, I have nothing to gain, financially or otherwise by telling my truth. I'm not writing a book, doing a one man show, accepting any pay off or going on TV to discuss this matter. I'm just getting it all off of my chest right here, and a clear conscience is all I want. 

As I stated in my previous blog, I anticipate backlash, from the gay and Christian communities. I can handle it. I have thick skin. What I won't tolerate are lying idiots like child sex offender Nelson Garcia talking smack about me online. Garcia was convicted in 2003 for attempting to lure a young boy, under age 16, into sex. This creep shouldn't be allowed on the Internet, much less the freedom to blog. He claimed to be my biggest fan until I discovered what a perv he was and told him to f--k off for good. Child molesters are not a part of the LGBT community, and we gays are as disgusted by them as anyone. I'm not going to increase his page views by providing a link to his lies. Instead, I'm sharing this link to his sex offender page with his photo and address. I've reported him to google for violating my photo copyright, and his blogging days are numbered. That's not a physical threat. I wouldn't touch him with a 12 foot pole. I'm just saying that I'll file a restraining order against him if I have to, but I'm not going to let this child molesting piece of crap keep lying about me. He's not a gay activist. He is a predator.

Click here to see his sex offender page

Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Naked Truth About Ted Haggard

The Naked Truth About Ted Haggard

Now that Wife Swap is about to air, and my old friend Ted Haggard is sharing his life with the world, he is, no doubt, expecting newfound fame and fortune, to replace the old ones he lost in 2006. For those who haven't followed the story, Pastor Ted was the founder of New Life Church in Colorado Springs. He was caught lying to reporters in 2006 about a sexual encounter he had with a male prostitute , and using crystal meth. Once the truth was exposed, Ted and his family were basically kicked out of Colorado and the church, and Ted signed an agreement that prohibited him from talking about the incident and the church for years. I had covered his story from the beginning in my various avenues of reporting in the capacity of a citizen journalist. I talked about Ted on the radio, here in Lake County, IL. I covered his story for Radio Gay International Network, and Canada's Indie Talent Network. I blogged about it and detailed the scandal repeatedly in my Gay News videos. I wanted the real truth about Ted Haggard. I never imagined I'd actually get it, but eventually, I did.

I found Ted on Facebook back in Feb of 2010. I had just uploaded a slew of racy promo photos for my gay news web series, and they were definitely attention grabbers. I was shocked when Ted replied to a message I sent him, with a friend request. He was very kind and sweet. I admit that my initial motivation for contacting Ted was not even clear to me at this point. A part of me still hated him for his anti homosexual agenda, which I had been informed of repeatedly in the news. That same video of him, over and over again taking about how the bible tells us what we should think about homosexuality etc.  Ted seemed desperate to justify himself to me, a gay man. He insisted that the video clip was taken out of context and that he is not a homophobe. He insisted that the media had exaggerated and lied about the depth of his relationship with Mike Jones, the male escort. Ted told me that he didn't have an intimate relationship with this man and there was no love. There was no intimacy, just Mike Jones masturbating Ted to climax. Ted did not consider himself to be gay or a drug addict. Sensing his distrust in me, I understood that if I wanted to get to the truth about Ted Haggard, I would have to become his friend, but how? Making friends has never been a problem for someone like me. I'm very outgoing. I know how to use my appeal to draw someone in and keep their attention. Ted would prove to be a bit of a challenge. I had to meet him face to face. Only then could I really know if there was enough chemistry to captivate him. I got that chance a month later when he and his wife Gayle gave a presentation at a church in Kenosha Wisconsin. I put on my butchest jeans and shirt and went to church. I was finally going to meet Ted Haggard. The object of my journalistic curiosity, in the flesh.

Here's where it gets racy, so if you're under 18, you may want to just head to about now. Meeting Ted was a turn on. His teeth are perfect and his hair is so pretty. He clearly takes good care of himself, and why not? He is a public person. He recognized me immediately after the service, as I headed towards the exit, and he hugged me, not one, not two, but three times before I left the building. His lips touched my ear as he whispered to me, "Chaz, God loves you." my knees went weak and I almost hit the floor. I squeezed him tightly, to keep standing up, and the awkwardness of the moment found us chest to chest, inhaling each others breath. I don't know if anybody else picked up on it, but there was certainly chemistry there.  It wasn't long before Ted and I were on the phone, and I made a promise to him to maintain total secrecy about anything he shared. What I've since learned is that a promise is only as good as the person who you make it to.

In the years since Teds scandal broke, he has made numerous news and network appearances to proclaim his "healing" by God. He has publicly claimed that he no longer has homosexual thoughts or tendencies. This is completely false. Ted has displayed homosexual tendencies to me within the past two years, and it's a secret I am no longer willing to keep. We have had lengthy e mail correspondence with Ted. We have had phone conversations, all verifiable. On one particular date while Ted was being hosted in the home of a family in St Louis, MO, we practically had phone sex,as he changed to get ready to go to 24 hour fitness, a gym he frequents regularly, at all hours. My phone statement of that date shows the multiple calls that Ted made to me that day, as he seemed restless and rambunctious. We discussed his real sexual interests. He told me about his party formula of porno, poppers, meth and Viagra and how he is into light sexual contact. I sent him a pic of me nude, to his phone, and he couldn't stop telling me how much I turn him on. He told me about some gay porn site he had a paid membership to. None of this was news to me. The only thing new was that he hadn't been cured of these desires. I realized that Ted was struggling. I've never doubted his love for his wife, because I've been there. I was once married and in the closet. I sat on this secret for a long time. I kept his secret because I felt sorry for Ted and his family, and I thought he sincerely cared about me. I didn't judge his sexuality. As I'm nearing the two year mark of my "friendship" with Ted, I'm starting to see a pattern re emerging with him. His fan base has grown large and yet he has never used his platform to speak out against bullying, much less how it relates to LGBT people. He has stated, publicly, that gays are welcome in his church, but privately, he has told me something different, and that's where I draw the line. Gay couples are not recognized within the walls of his new church St James. My "friend" would not accept my relationship in his church. This forced me to look back over the course of our friendship and find other inconsistencies and instances in which I was used by Ted to make himself look better, all the while, he publicly denied me credit for any of it. While I have felt so sorry for Ted and his family, and defended him to the LGBT community, I now sense that he saw me as nothing more than one of many pawns in his game of reinvention. That was a mistake. I will not allow anybody to use me to make himself look better than he is, especially if that somebody is under the misconception that he is morally superior to me. Ted Haggard is not healed of his sexual desires. He never will be, because there is no cure for being born the way he is. It feels wrong to cover for him at this stage.  When Ted can accept this, we can resume our friendship in reality, and not on the down low. If I attended his church with my family, it would make me a hypocrite, and that's not me. Ted has specifically told me that my civil union would not be accepted at St James church. My family is just as valid in God's eyes as the Haggard family is, and God welcomes us as we are. I will not bear false witness.

Now I know all the negative attention I'm gonna get from this blog. People will call me a lying fame whore. I admit the timing is perfect for all this to come to light. Wife Swap is about to expose Ted to a world of new fans. Its precisely the title of the show that makes this necessary. If marriage itself is truly a religious institution, as is so often claimed, then surely wife swapping, under any circumstance, is a violation of that sacredness. While its true there's no sex being swapped, the time, energy and caring that families receive from mothers is also sacred. So my civil union wouldn't be accepted in Ted's church, but it's perfectly fine for the preacher to share his wife for fame and fortune? For all the conversations I've shared with Ted, his wife Gayle has never spoken to me once. I'm quite sure she's well aware of the truth about her husband. Just look at the money they're about to make together.


Ted will most likely deny this and do everything he can t suppress the truth. He will probably blow up my phone as soon as he reads this. He may threaten t sue me, and he's welcome to try. If there's anything I've learned, as an investigative reporter, it is how to cover my ass and document the facts. I have a long history of being honest, even when it's not in my own best interest, and I'll gladly submit to a lie detector test.

 Every 5 hours, a gay person commits suicide. I have weighed the pros and cons of publishing this blog in my mind a million times. On one hand, there's Ted, his secret, my promise and his family. His family have been victimized enough. On the other hand, there are countless LBGT youth seeking God's love and guidance, who are being rejected, if only subtly by the church. For me to enter a new year keeping a secret that enables a preacher to be seen as healed of his homosexuality, when I know differently, would be wrong. Let the cards fall where they may. The truth shall set us all free.