Chazonator Videos


Monday, September 29, 2014

Naked Truth: Was My Brother Murdered?

I can't begin to describe the depth of sorrow and suffering that the tragic loss of my younger brother caused me. The initial shock of losing him hit me so hard I could barely maintain my sanity for a while after. In my grief stricken state, how could I communicate to the world, the injustice that I've suffered for the last 14 years of not knowing how he died? How does one tell the story of tragedy, when one doesn't know the full story himself? How can I answer anyone's questions about how William died, if I never received the answers myself? How can you make someone understand the magnitude of your suffering, if you can't fully comprehend what it is that caused your suffering to begin with?

For fourteen years, I've gone over and over the police reports, the coroners report, and all the notes and documents I've retained that are related to my little brother's death. Try as I might, I cannot locate a single shred of evidence that suggests to me that he actually hung himself. To the contrary. I've found evidence that the suicide tape "found" in his pocket that night had no mention of hanging himself, and completely contradicts the toxicology report, as the video below clearly demonstrates.

Producing, narrating and composing the media for this documentary was the most painstaking experience I've undergone since his death. I've had to relive the memories of the horror of how he was found, hanging, suspiciously, from his favorite tree, next to the pond he dug, with his legs ON THE GROUND. I've had to live with the memories of the police refusing to investigate, when I presented them with clear evidence that contradicted their conclusions. They didn't like my attitude. They didn't HAVE to give me anything. They didn't have to prove my brother hung himself. They only had to convince my family and me that their word was good enough. It might have pacified the rest of my family, but it's not enough for me. It never was, and now, 14 years later, I am setting the record straight,

If the only good thing that comes out of sharing William's story with the world is the public scrutiny and examination of these officials and the truth I'm presenting, it is worth every skipped meal and lost hour of sleep it took me to create. I will find justice in this case, if only in the court of public opinion,

For 14 years, I imagine my adversaries in Washington County Indiana have laughed at me.

"That crazy fag thinks he's smarter than us".

They underestimated me,

"He's a high school graduate. He'll never be intelligent enough to hold us accountable".

They thought time would erase my pain and that I could accept their lies.

"It's been so long, there's nothing he can do about it now,"

They were wrong on all counts.

Perhaps the biggest mistake they made was allowing themselves to believe, for even a second that I am somehow scared of them, I'm not scared of anybody. Let them sue me if anyone feels they have a leg to stand on in court. I have tons of documentation. I was advised from day one by friends with legal experience to keep track of every word spoken by everyone involved, I'd say this video demonstrates my ability to hold on to important documents. If anyone can prove that anything I've said isn't true, then let them post it in a comment below, or make their own video about their own truth. But this is my truth, and I will share it with anyone who cares enough to learn it.

I'm not the same, crying mess they encountered 14 years ago. William's death changed me in ways I am still discovering to this day. I've learned that life is too short to live with a tragic lie weighing me down. William's funeral was the first funeral I had ever been to. Seeing his body in that casket, and not knowing how he really ended up there has caused mental distress, it's true. But it has also given me a stronger appreciation for the truth in general. I live a very honest life. I own every aspect of my self examined life. I'm bisexual. I'm a parent. I'm a husband. I'm a brother. But what kind of brother would I be if I didn't turn every stone I could find on the path to the truth about the tragedy that ended his life? I'm not a rich man. I would never dream of asking anyone for anything. Had I been financially capable, at the time of his death, I would've hired the pathologist I had e mailed after he was buried, and signed the agreement I requested, from the funeral home that buried him, to exhume his body in 2000. I did not have the $6,000 plus it would have cost me. My husband and I had already spent thousands of dollars on his funeral and monument. William was embalmed and his body prepared for the funeral before I could arrive in KY to see his body. I have so many e mails of correspondence I had back and forth with lawyers and medical examiners I sought out online, asking their opinions on the limited evidence I was provided by the authorities. I have letters I wrote to the media, the ACLU and others which went without response. Nobody would listen. Nobody cared. I was just a grief stricken brother with a crazy conspiracy theory, who was living in denial. Nobody takes the time to read anything anymore, Most people who clicked this blog link probably went straight to the pics and video. That's why I chose the cover photo. Sure, some people will be scared to share it, but for every one person who does, many more will actually click play and watch. If I've learned anything in my years of online romping, it's how to push the envelope and suck viewers in with a mysterious headline and a graphic image. This artistic nude, shot of William is irresistible to anyone who loves beauty, mystery and truth. And now that I have your attention......

With everything I've done, every letter I've written, every media outlet I've reached out to with this story, and every document I've mulled over incessantly, I've still felt a sense of inadequacy. I know that people will criticize me for not doing enough, but, real or not, I have lived with that feeling since the moment I learned of his death. There are a million "what ifs", and only one Naked Truth. I don't believe this video is the final stone. My hope is that it will inspire someone, who knows something to come forward and break the chain of silence that has surely weakened over the past 14 years. Who is going to take the rap now that the cat is out of the bag? How will they cover their tracks, now that the real evidence is truly going to be summoned by the public, who hold them accountable? How will they respond? Since none of them were concerned with how my brother died before, who will be the first to re open the case, now that everyone in their community is aware of this deception? Being totally honest, I feel a small sense of justice has already been served. None of the authorities featured in the video have contacted me, nor do I anticipate they will. And while it's very clear that they have never spent a second trying to imagine what it must like to be in my situation, I can't help but smile when I think of the one they've created for themselves. I'm just the delivery boy. The local paper wouldn't carry the story, so I went ahead and presented it to you myself. If the truth makes their home town feel like a prison, in which everyone is looking at them knowingly, then perhaps a tiny bit of the justice that is to come is already shining through, One thing is for sure, Between my blog, my videos and my social networks of tens of thousands of friends and admirers of my Naked Truth video series, all of these officials will have a permanent google problem, Long after I am dead, this video will be a part of my legacy, as a truth seeker, and the kind of big brother I have always aspired to be to William. Like my brothers body, my tattoos will fade, and all physical evidence of my existence will disappear, and yet, my image will live on, eternally, in cyberspace, and so will my voice, telling his truth.

I thank God for the resources I have to bring this video to you and tell my story so clearly. I can honestly say, as with all Naked Truth videos, that William inspired all this. In 2000, shortly after realizing that nobody was going to investigate his death, I wrote a newsletter called Naked Truth. I posted a photo of my own naked ass on the top, and I explained this whole story in it. I printed and distributed the newsletter, by hand to hundreds of residents of Washington County. If I never produce another video in my life, I can honestly say that I've already served my purpose as a producer. It's as if this was my mission and my purpose has been served. But I do not want to go to my grave without knowing how William died and holding everyone responsible for this injustice  accountable.

I have faith in God. I have faith in the truth. I have faith in William. So please help me find justice for him by sharing the following video with the hashtag #justiceforwilliam

Friday, September 19, 2014

Are Washington County Indiana officials covering up a murder?

Dear residents of Washington County Indiana, and all National media outlets reading this, and of course judge Robert Bennett and county coroner Rondale Brishaber, who this blog is really about.

Judge Robert Bennett

Coroner Rondale Brishaber

On April 19, 2000 my younger brother, legally named William Paul Hobbs, of 1205 Jackson St Salem Indiana was found hanging dead from a tree in the back yard of his abusive lover, Gary Hobbs, same address. Police were called and death scene photos were taken. A voice recording found in my brother inside left pocket contained a statement by William, saying that he had taken an overdose of valium and was dying. His death was ruled a suicide, the photos were refused to our family, and Gary Hobbs continues to drive drunk in Salem Indiana every day without getting stopped by the cops, his friends.

Here's what I believe really happened. Gary Hobbs found a suicide tape my brother made in the weeks leading up to his murder. Gary strangled my brother and strung him up in that tree and then called the cops. The coroner, at that time, who admitted to me that he is Gary's personal friend, knew immediately that the marks on my brothers body were not consistent with suicide. He didn't question the fact that my left handed brother wouldn't have placed the tape in his left, inner pocket.Something that would be hard for anyone to do. I have the jacket he died in. It has a right inside pocket, where he would have placed anything he carried. Being an unnatural death, protocol would have required a pathologist's examination, and an autopsy of his body. There was no pathology report. Instead, medical staff only drew blood from his body for a toxicology test. The toxicology results clearly indicated that my brother had not ingested enough valium on the night he died to make him sleep, much less kill him. Also, Phenobarbital was in his system. He wasn't prescribed this drug by any doctor. I raised these concerns with the police and coroner who ignored them. THERE WAS NO AUTOPSY!

For years I've attempted to get the death scene photos from these authorities, and every time I hit a road block. The first coroner refused the photos to me so I called judge Bennett's office and his secretary asked him if he would order the release of the photos to me. She told me that Bennett refused to so do and that he advised I hire an attorney to petition his court for the photos. I contacted an attorney who then informed me that I could pay him hundreds of dollars to petition the court, but clearly Bennett had no intention of releasing the photos to me and hiring an attorney would likely be a waste of money. Judge Bennett is life long friends with Gary Hobbs, closeted homosexual and former owner of Coot's Packaging, a liquor store in Salem. Clearly Judge Bennett didn't want his friend being investigated or even charged or convicted of murder, so it makes sense that he could have put his neck on the line by sealing these photo from me.

Either way, Judge Robert Bennett and Coroner Rondale Brishaber are conspiring, on this very day, to continue this blatant obstruction of justice and have become the cause of unbearable grief that I have suffered for 14 years without knowing the truth about how William really died. For this reason, I now expose them to the public, and am seeking legal counsel in an effort to bring these two elected, public officials to justice for once and for all.

To every local in Salem Indiana reading this, you must know that your own justice system has conspired to obstruct justice in this case, and they probably wouldn't hesitate to do it again. Regardless of what you think you may know about my dead brother, you do not know the truth if I don't. A source, who shall remain unnamed at this point, has revealed to me that at one police officer at the scene of William's death has described his death as a murder. He said that there were ripple marks on my brothers neck, which clearly indicate that he was strangled first, and later strung up in that tree.

Immediately after William's death, I requested copies of all 911 calls he had made to Washington County police dispatch in the year leading up to his death. The person I spoke to there asked how I knew about the 911 calls and I informed her that my brother had told me many times that he had called 911 on Gary Hobbs for threatening to kill him. I'm still waiting for those recordings.

Furthermore, Gary Hobbs moved his ex boyfriend Tony into his house the day after William died. Did his ex lover help him kill William? Perhaps, but I may never know because Judge Robert Bennett and coroner Rondale Brishaber have conspired to conceal any and all evidence that would or could reveal the truth.

To Rondale and Robert, I have this to say. You are both disgraceful public servants who belong in prison. At the very least, I pray that this blog causes every person you encounter in your county for the rest of your life to shun you like the civic plagues you are. I don't know why you are concealing these photos, if not to cover up a murder committed by your friend Gary Hobbs. But I will be certain to forward this blog to any and everyone who can hold you accountable. Get me the photos and I will consider deleting this blog, and not pursuing civil action against you and any other local authority involved in this obstruction of justice, as long as the independent pathologist I plan to have review them concludes it wasn't murder. Coroners are supposed to speak for the dead. Instead, Rondale Brishaber and his predecessors have silenced my brothers last truth, and that is unforgivable. May the real God smite you all for the lack of closure I've had to suffer at your hands, you corrupt, bacwoods sacks of shit!

In loving memory of William Paul Lawrence (Hobbs) born 2-10-1971 died 4-19-2000

Friday, May 9, 2014

A Homophobic Star is exposed!

With Mother's Day coming up so fast, I'm finding myself feeling more emotional than I ever anticipated. My mother and I just don't talk anymore. I can't really explain why because I don't really know why my mother doesn't call me. I can say that I remember our last conversation quite vividly. I remember crying, and telling her how much I love her. And yet, I had the distinct impression that my mother's mind was occupied with something, anything, other than me, and my emotions. She's heard it all before.We both know there's so much water under our bridge, and that it's flooded the valleys and made getting home an impossible task for me. My home is here, where I live in Northern Illinois with my husband and our sons. And yet, from time to time, I miss my mommy and her big, warm hugs. I feel the loss of parental love as strongly as I give parental love to my own sons. It's an odd combination, but my love for my kids is the kind of love I deserve and always have. I'm a good son. I never stopped loving my mother, and I have forgiven her for everything she's ever done to hurt me.

Over the years I did everything I could to get back home. No matter where I was living, Chicago, Miami, New York, or LA, I would beg, steal, borrow and screw my way back home to my "family". That's how much I missed my brothers and sisters, nephews, nieces and my mom. But in the last twenty two years of living with my husband, watching our boys grow into intelligent, young men, I've learned what family really is. I've lost the two closest biological family members, tragically and far before their time. A big brother isn't supposed to live longer than his little brother. A favorite uncle should never outlive his favorite nephew. And yet, the best friends I ever had, who knew me better than anyone else in the world, who grew up knowing me their entire lives, are gone. And all I have left are the memories and the hope of reuniting with them in another realm, an afterlife. At age sixteen, my nephew attempted suicide. I used all my savings from stripping at a gay bar to put gas in my beat up 1978 Thunderbird, and had to stop ever hour to refill the power steering fluid, but I made the six hour trip to see him in the hospital. He never forgot that. I showed him what family means when I showed up that night. He would spend the rest of his life returning that gift to me. I can honestly say that I have not ever had an argument with my nephew Brian. And while I can reluctantly admit that my husband and I both forgot our 7th anniversary, I never, ever forgot Brian's birthday. It was yesterday, May 8th. He would have been 38 years old. Losing him has had a profound effect on me and how I view the world and people who claim to love me. I know what real, biological, family love is. I had it and now it's gone, but there's a ray of light at the end of this dark tunnel I've seemingly found myself in. Her name is Jamie, and she's Brian's little sister. Jamie and I have been getting closer for a few years now, but we are much closer now that we share the pain of losing Brian. I have had to do some incredibly hard things in my life. I've held my elderly cat and a few dogs in my arms and watched them draw their last breath, as the vet gave them a lethal injection to end their pain and suffering. The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was to be the one to tell Jamie that her brother had died. I will never be able to escape that memory.

The Funeral

I lost my hotel room deposit when I cancelled my reservation at the last minute. How could I attend Brian's funeral with the swarm of hate that started raining down on me before I could even pack my bag? I had posted on facebook that I supported Brian's wife Diana in all of her decisions, with regards to his funeral arrangements and final resting place. This outraged some of my siblings, especially Brian's mother Starliene, my sister. Star wanted to have Brian's body transported to Shelbyville, KY to be put on display for the public. Brian hated Shelbyville. He had way too many enemies there. I suggested that anyone who didn't think he was worth the drive in death, probably never drove to see him in life, so stay home because he knew how you felt about him. That brought me some unexpected backlash from a brother in law, who called, out of the blue, to insist that if I show up at the funeral I should be willing to hug my sister Star. Why in the hell would I want to console her? Her last words to Brian were so harsh that he called me two weeks before he died, literally sobbing. "My own mother said that 'm her biggest mistake in life and that I am dead to her". He said. Now, suddenly, Star wants to snatch his body from his wife, have it delivered to her desired location, like a pizza, and put on display, so that she can put on her Oscar winning acting performance and put out her "woe is me, donate money to my addiction" monologue. My brother in law was offended and started taking personal jabs at me. "Do you still bite your hand when you get angry?" he said. As a child I learned to bite myself whenever I wanted to hit my little brother. It's a running joke in our family. It reminded me of all the other running jokes in our family, and so I asked him if he got a job, learned to read or stopped pissing on my sister in the bed on occasion. He didn't like that very much. I doubt I'll ever see or hear from him again. And you know what, that's just fine with me. I'll take one real love over a million fake ones any day. But I wasn't going to Brian's funeral and allowing my presence to distract from the celebration of his life that took place that day. I'm not going to second guess the decision either. I did the right thing, although it was a sacrifice, it was made in his honor. He wasn't in that casket. His spirit is free, and he will always live on in my heart. I would trade places with him or my little brother who died, if I could. Life without them will never be the same for me.


People read my posts on facebook and think I'm crazy. How can I express such deep sorrow and loss, while simultaneously expressing such disgust and contempt for my sister Star? The answer is simple. I'm a multifaceted, three dimensional person, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. You may argue that it's not normal for siblings to harbor such feelings of deep seeded hate. That's assuming you know what "normal" is and can define it for the rest of us. Forgiveness must be earned. I can say I forgive Star for letting Brian take the rap on that robbery she involved him in, and allowing him to do hard time. I can say I forgive her for going to his ex wife's attorney and falsely accusing him of horrible acts he never even thought about committing, just to receive joy in his pain of being separated from his only son. But saying it means nothing if I can't show it, and I will never be able to allow her to get within a hundred feet of me, much less express any love to her. She probably doesn't know that I'm aware of all the lies she was telling over the continental breakfast, at the hotel, the morning of the funeral. There she was, stuffing her face with biscuits and gravy, slandering me and her own son, who lay in a casket for her final viewing pleasure. When most mothers would be grieving beyond ability to speak, she was running around telling people that Brian was a prostitute and I was his pimp, and that I raped him. Not a word of any of that is true at all. I have never harmed a child in my life and neither did Brian. I have never pimped anybody out in my life, and Brian was completely heterosexual, as his loving wife can testify. So no! I can't forgive Starliene for any of these things. But don't allow yourself to feel sorry for me. I'm not carrying her hate around with me. I have an incredible life. The love my husband and kids give me makes up for all the love I never really had in my biological family. After hearing about the lies she told then, and continues to spread now, I can only laugh at my sister Star now. She's an absolute joke. I've heard that she's still taking up donations to pay for Brian's funeral. His funeral was paid for before he died. He had a life insurance policy. Anyone who gives her a cent is a fool. As for me, well I don't entertain thoughts of her often, but when I do, I don't get all worked up or angry. Like Glenda, the good witch said to the wicked witch of the West. "You have no power here! Be gone before somebody drops a house on you too!" Nobody ever suggested that Glenda had no right to put that witch in her place. 

And so, as I promised my friends on facebook, here's the recording of my sister Star, calling me, at home, saying horrific things about me and my nephew, days after his death. Tell me, is this the voice of a grieving mother? Does this sound like someone who just lost her only son, or an evil bitch who made her only son's life miserable? I think her own words speak volumes about the kind of person she is. She was recently investigated for child abuse after putting her 17 year old granddaughters head through a wall. The woman is a nut! She's also stupid enough to knowingly leave a recorded voice message that she can't take back. I own this recording. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Sharing is caring, so share my shit!

It's been a very busy week around my home. I've been recording, editing and producing my new web series "Chaz On" for youtube. I think I will be posting two videos a week, on average, as long as I don't run out of topics to cover or people to listen.

The shows are getting better and I'm getting paid by youtube!

If you watch this week's episodes, note the sound quality improvement. This is due to my new microphone. I finally invested $99 and got myself a great mic for all my audio recording needs. It's called the Nessie and its worth every penny. I've also invested in some new Sony Vegas video editing software to give me the best tools I know how to use for video editing, creation and special effects. I opted to get the $79 version of Vegas software, instead of Vegas Pro, which is upwards of $599. I'm not crazy and this is a hobby. I don't expect to make any profit from my new yotube partnership status at all. Only one of my videos could be considered remotely "viral", and it's How to broil a lobster tail. I've neglected my youtube account for too many years to expect to rekindle my fan base from 2010, when I was getting the most views and ended up being kicked off of youtube and censored. Those days are gone and I can forgive Google, as long as they're willing to split the profits my media generates for them, with me. But this partner thing isn't what people think it is. It's actually real work if anyone really wants to expand their audience online, and so I've been doing my research on how to get my videos ranked in google and youtube and how to get the most views for your videos. Believe it or not, the secret is simple. It's all in the key words and descriptions and titles of the videos themselves. People are looking for my videos. I just had to tweek my key words "tags" and descriptions and titles to get Google to place my videos in front of the people searching for them. I've always had a knack for creative writing. This is like getting spelling words and turning them all into a story. It's basically the secret to how my lobster tail video got 150,000 views. If you google How to broil lobster tail my video is number 3 in the search. That's the first page, of tens of thousands of pages related to the subject. Why me? It's all in the words. I have a reason to have my videos viewed as much as possible now. But the money is not much at all. In fact, it's been about a week since I accepted the youtube partnership offer and I've earned a whopping $2.23 LOL! So trust me folks, this ain't no get rich quick scheme. It's a process, and one that comes with goals that must be set and achieved, like anything else. Anyone who follows me knows that I have only one goal, in all of my online endeavors, and that is equality for all. It's priceless and yet it's free. That's what motivates me.

Chaz On is a 5 minute or less opinion segment. It's like Naked Truth Gay News In Review, one scene at a time. It's geared toward the ADHD audience of today who don't have time to watch a full, twenty minute newscast. My first goal for the show is to simply cover a topic that isn't LGBT related. I've done four episodes so far and they're all about gays adopting, hating on each other and bisexuals and trannies etc. You should hear what I think about the GOP and the religious right wing, illegal immigration, corporate slavery and conspiracy theorists. And you will, soon, because my motor mouth won't shut up! But I'm not going to lie. I wouldn't be blogging right now if it wasn't for the LGBT followers who have stayed with me for years, following me as I jumped from FM radio, to Radio Gay International Nework, to youtube, then to Blip tv and now back to youtube again. God knows this blog is one of the best places to receive updates from me, as it's been here the longest, and I love posting here whenever I can. And I have powers of perception called analytic data, which I receive from Google, that tells me a lot about who is reading my blog and watching my videos. My audience fluctuates slightly, but it averages 50% male and 50% female. Most of you are between the ages of 25 and 55. You actually watch my videos to the end, mostly. Armed with this knowledge, and an understanding of why my most popular videos are being noticed, I'm prepared to give you more of what it is you're expecting from me, but kick it up to a whole new level. Expect more comedic spoofs, more shockingly easy, but intimidating recipes, more opinions on more topics, and more original music. There's nothing I love more than sharing my talents with the world, and celebrating those shared with me. In fact, I'll share you too. Post your own youtube video sending me a shout out. I'll download it from there and put a clip of you in my own video. I'd love to show you off if you're really digging what I do. And if you make youtube videos too, let me know. I have so many friends that I can't keep up. You really have to message them to me on youtube to let me know what you're doing so I can share it as well. There's no reason we can't promote each other.

For now, in case you missed either episode of this weeks show, Here they are. Please share with your friends if you find my opinions relevant. If my language is too offensive, then simply share my message with others in your own words.

And click here to watch Chaz On Gay Parenting

Lastly, I leave you all with a question, and I'd really like an answer. You can post in a comment below this blog link in my social networks, or directly under the blog. What topic would you like to hear my brutally honest opinions about next?

Monday, April 28, 2014

I'm back on my old blog again, and I've got a lot to say!

I'm very excited to be back on my old blog again. I've been away for a long time because I went mobile, and there's no app for all the shit I've got to say. So I'm back on a computer again, and this time with a vengeance. I've got a lot to catch up on with politics, religion and so many social issues to address. I tried writing a couple blogs on a new account, but it just wasn't the same. Here, you can go back through my archives and read all about my sordid life, and the many scandals I've been sucked into. You can also be one of the first to know when I upload a new video. There will be many more to come. Just in the past week alone, I've created three new videos. The most recent is the third in my cooking series on youtube called "Cooking With Chaz". I'm teaching everyone how to make delicious meatballs, easily, in just 1 hour and ten minutes, tops!

If you like that video, you'll love the others in the series, linked below it on youtube.

I've created a brand new series as well. It's similar to my Naked Truth Gay News series, but it's shorter and, instead of multiple segments on various topics, I basically give one single topic a total tongue fucking and put it all into perspective for your consumption. It's called "Chaz On" and as the title suggests, I will be on every topic. So check back often to hear what I have to say next. If you know me at all, you know I hold nothing back.

So what brings Chazonator out of his long hiatus? It could be the election year and the consequences of a possible Republican controlled government that will gridlock our economy and set us back into the stone ages socially. It could be that my kids are all grow'd up and no longer need as much of my undivided attention. It could be that my husband is driving me crazy, in retirement, with too many long hours of movies and TV shows. It could be that I got so excited from the 150,000 views my how to broil a lobster tail video received that I simply couldn't keep my fans hungry for more Chazonator, LOL. Whatever the reason, or combination thereof, I'm back! And I's married now. I say I's married now, ya hear? In case you're not on my facebook friends list yet, I am no longer Carl Shepherd aka Chazonator. I am now Carl Szulczynski, aka Chazonator. On October 11, 2014, I married my partner of 21 years in  little park in Iowa. It was a very small ceremony, officiated over by a wonderful friend Pastor Winchester. I'm planning to revamp the wedding video soon, but there's a lower quality version on my youtube channel for now. 

Sunday, February 26, 2012

I'm Here

I wrote this poem when I was 25 years old. Oddly enough, it still applies to my life after all these years.

Write me a letter
Drop me a line
Dial my number any time
Cause I'm here

It doesn't matter
What we've said
Or what kind of lives we've led
I'm still here

I can't be held responsible
For what my daddy did
He was an abuser and I was just a kid
But I'm here

I was a victim
As much as you
I was abused by my daddy too
And I'm here

I've tried to erase the pain
I've looked to death and hoped to gain
An end to all the misery
But even death avoided me
I'm still here

Many sisters and brothers
Nieces nephews and others
Many not knowing me anymore
Not knowing what I'm living for
But I'm here

Once I lived for all of you
I tried to be who you wanted me to
What good is being in a family
If I can't be who I want to be
So I'm here

I'll always be a phone call away
But I no longer wait to hear you say
How much you love me or how much you care
Why wait for something that was never there

I'm here

Monday, January 30, 2012

Will the world end in 2012?

I recently had a strange dream that led me on an investigative path to discover truth in our world. In the dream, it was the 4th of July, and I walked out into my back yard to see fireworks bursting in the NorthWestern sky above our home in Illinois. What I witnessed, in my dream, was a UFO, flying among the fireworks. It was round, and it was spinning, and it was lit up like a Christmas tree. This dream inspired me to seek out the TV series "Ancient Aliens" and revisit what I'd learned watching it last year. I was delighted to find a second season of the series on Netflix, and I watched all 10 new shows. It's truly fascinating. The theory the series presents is that there is a strong connection between the pyramids of Egypt and Mexico, and in landscape designs in Peru etc., and the rapidly increasing UFO reports and videos going viral on the web. There is very compelling evidence that this connection is real. For example, the ancient Mayans made many predictions in their famous calendar and hieroglyphs that came true. The Mayans predicted, to the exact date, when white, bearded Gods would arrive on sea vessels and create destruction and chaos. What they called Gods were the Spaniards who attacked them and drastically reduced their numbers during the famed Spanish Inquisition. The Mayans, who are as famous for their prehistoric pottery, could not have possibly built their pyramids with the technology they had on Earth. The question is, who helped them? Many believe they were helped and warned by extraterrestrials. Like modern man, not all Mayans believed in the prophesy, but those who saw destruction coming saved their race and moved on into the new world, preserving their ancient culture when and wherever possible. In recent years, the Mayan code has been unlocked, and the secrets they shared are shocking. The Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. The translations detail a knowledge of astronomy that wasn't discovered by the white man until recently, in historic terms. How did the Mayans know that the Earth would align with other planets and the sun? How did they know that black holes existed, when our own science has just discovered the first real black hole in the past decade? We cannot ignore these facts, and they are very well documented and indisputable. 

After hundreds of hours of researching each phenomena, such as Stone henge and most recently, the Georgia Guide Stones, and the New World Order conspiracy theories, I'm coming to a conclusion that I didn't expect to find. Yes, our governments are keeping secrets. That's never been a secret. You can't get close to area 51, it's true, but guess what, you can't get close to any military installation. It is and always has been a matter of National Security. Imagine if the press had access to nuclear weapons. Now that's scary. And so, this secrecy is not shocking. If a New World Order is defined by government control, we are already there friends, and have been for all our lives. Stupid laws put good people in jail every day. Smoke some weed, go to jail. Refuse to pay taxes because your equality isn't guaranteed, and go to jail. Healthcare and food are for the rich, not the poor. Outside the bubble of Capitalism, death from starvation and preventable illness kills millions. Somehow, we are okay with that, as long as its not in our own back yard. Just ask the Mayans today how this new world is working out for them. Not very well. Without a credit card or a corporation telling you when to clock in and where, most Americans are screwed. Isn't credit the real mark of the beast? Doesn't the police brutality during the "Occupy" protests and MidEast uprisings just reek of a world-wide police state? Aren't we already living under a corporately controlled New World Order that we contribute to daily with every gallon of gas we buy, or the plastic bottle of water we fill the land and oceans with? By the way, that bottle of water costs more per gallon than the gas in the USA, so switch to the tap and save some cash. If someone is going to poison your water, it'll be a hell of a lot easier to do in an bottle. And are we not leaving carbon footprints behind for our grandchildren to clean up after? Of course we are. Humanity is a cancer to planet Earth, and here I was thinking I coined the phrase, only to discover it inscribed on the Georgia Guide Stones. I was curious to see what they actually said, after hearing about them in so many shows and YouTube videos, but never being told precisely what they outline. Below are the 10 points made on these stones. Some call them commandments, but that is an inaccurate description. Nothing is commanded, but simply guidelines that, in the opinion of those who erected this monument, are in the best interest of the planet and the continuation of our species. Below each guideline, you will find my opinion. 

Georgia Guide Stones

1) Maintain humanity under 500 million in perpetual balance with nature.
My opinion: This says to maintain under 500 million, it says nothing about killing off 90% of the world population. While it is easy for conspiracy theorists to find evidence of a Bilderberg, illuminati, New World Order conspiracy to "cull" the population, this monument makes no mention of such a thing. Is it not conceivable that this monument was erected in the same fashion as the famous Stone Henge in England because it is a continuation of the ancient prophesy that Stone Henge implies, the end of days in a celestial event that we can watch for, using the very markers that stand, aligned with the stars? Could the message really be another warning that something from the sky will destroy the planet, and a New World is coming, and cannot be prevented? Even the bible implies that the Earth will be destroyed by fire. Could this be a warning, in conjunction with the Mayan prediction that our planetary alignment, the position of the black hole, and the solar activity  peek we are now finding ourselves entering is imminent? This makes more sense to me than a mass depopulation of 90% of the planet by rich people who want the world for themselves. Have you ever tried to get rid of cockroaches or mice? Good luck with that. I fail to believe that a bunch of entitled, stuck up hogs are capable of controlling anything but their own bank accounts. Secret societies, sure, but their ability and willingness to kill mankind, not so much. This isn't ancient scripture, it's recent, man made text from 1979. The language is clear. Maintain doesn't mean destroy. Modern Christianity wouldn't accept these guidelines, and so it makes sense they would refer to them as anti Christ. Being a gay man with no intention of reproducing, I believe I have less reason to trust mainstream Christianity than I do, R C Christian, the anonymous person who contracted the construction of these stones. One thing is indisputable, there is definitely an imbalance of nature when there are more people to eat the creatures that naturally occur in nature. As my bow hunting nephew says, "If people had to live off the land, all the game animals would be gone fast! And he's absolutely right. We've been breeding and genetically modifying livestock and produce for far too long, and it's stripping the land of its natural bounty. Ask yourself is this really what our creator intended? Is this harmony? I think not. 

2) guide reproduction wisely improving fitness and diversity. 

My opinion: Isn't it funny how we don't take to the streets to protest the long standing laws in China that dictate how many children a family can have? As long as it doesn't affect us here, why should we care right? Most of us don't agree with these laws, but neither can we imagine the consequence of not having them in place for so long. 7 billion people, sucking up oil and water and digging up the earth for cultivation and building are bound to have an adverse affect on nature. The average American doesn't bother to plant trees or flowers, but they sure don't mind popping out 2.5 clones they can't take care of, much less raise with any amount of social responsibility. In 2000, I wrote a song called Decade of Gay. The lyrics describe how just one decade without procreation could resolve many of the worlds worst problems like homelessness and starvation and chaos. That's not going to happen. If you think the same God who created humans approves of the planetary devastation we commit, the you're not worshipping a God that loves all creation at all, are you? and what's wrong with fitness and diversity? Isn't the goal of every species to ensure its survival through passing on the best genes?

3) unite humanity with a living new language

My opinion: Good news friends,  no more pressing 1 for English! If your frustration is that you don't understand your neighbor, you won't have to worry about it again. 

4) rule passion, faith, tradition, and all things with tempered reason

My opinion: Passion is a double edged sword. Ever heard of passion killing? Feeling passionately about faith can lead one to violate the very faith they believe in. I've witnessed this first hand through judgmental Christians, violating their own bible to tell me I'm going to hell. Judge not, lest ye be judged, right. There's no tempered reason behind the so called Christians in Uganda trying to create laws that kill gays who do not give birth to the many AIDS babies starving in their 3rd world country. Imagine what these heathens could accomplish if they focussed their hatred and resources for the betterment of their society, rather than killing innocent gay people who harm nobody. There's a big difference between being passionate and compassionate. 

5) protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts

My opinion: It's easy for those of us living in the land of the World Police to believe that we are in a real democracy, but we never have been. If this were a democracy, everyone would have equal opportunity, and that is clearly not the case. 1% of our country's population controls 40% of our wealth. If that's Capitalism, you can keep it. When 1% use their wealth and power to control our laws and keep us working like dogs without paying a living wage, while affordable healthcare isn't accessible, it's a shame, not a democracy. When people with money can literally get away with murder, while the poorest people spend years behind bars for smoking or selling weed, it's not equality. Alcohol is legal, and accessible and making big corporations richer. They like dumbing us down, and they will do anything to prevent the mind opening experience and medical benefits that marijuana provides. You can get as high as you want on prescription drugs, and lots of people do, but heaven forbid you should smoke a joint in America! And let's not forget the sodomy laws that ignored Hetero-oral and anal sex. Only gay men were targeted by them. Anal sex doesn't lead to unwanted children. 

6) let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court

My opinion: This doesn't sound like a doomsday apocalypse that will be expected to kill everyone on the planet to me. How will they weed us out and pick and choose who survives? They can't, but they can anticipate the events, predicted by the ancients, and assume that people of many nations will survive. A world order is just that, order in a chaotic world. That's not as scary as a solar flare forcing us all into holes in the ground, is it. The World court deals with inter-national crimes. We already have the United Nations. Just imagine them actually doing their jobs. George Bush would have been put out of our misery the moment he committed his first war crime, in violation of the Geneva Convention. 

7) avoid petty laws and useless officials

My opinion: See all my previous opinions. The UN the Supreme Court in the USA, and indeed, the Geneva Convention itself are useless and worthless in protecting the best interests of humanity. 

8) balance personal rights with social duties

When your right to free speech violates my right to live freely, there's a hole in our system. Three words, God Hates Fags. I can defend free speech, but I refuse to defend hate speech. The distinction is clear to those of us with a conscience. We have a social duty to respect each other. This is no different from the biblical guideline which says, "Do unto others as you'd have done unto you". It's unfortunate that so many Christians defend Leviticus more than they do this golden rule. 

9) Prize truth, beauty, love, seeking harmony with the infinite

My opinion: The truth is the most important thing that anyone can find for themselves. All thinking creatures seek the truth. Where is the food? Who is God? Why are we here? Where did we come from? The most intelligent people I know are not the ones who sit back and take any words out of ANY book, apply blind faith and call it truth. Never take yes for an answer friends, unless you've confirmed it for yourselves. Don't take my word for that, unless it makes absolute sense to you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or is it? Natural beauty is all around us. Tourists flock to beaches by the billions. Poetry is written about mountain tops and flowers and lakes and trees. I find beauty in every human being, even it requires me to picture a bitchy adult as an innocent child. We have all been beautiful, at one time or another. Isn't it a shame that our beauty isn't nurtured by the love we all long for and deserve? Love is universal. It is the opposite of hate. If this monument was erected by devil worshipers, then where is the word hate? Sure, my satanist friends will chime in and say they don't hate, but your monster music says something different. It's like listening to the cookie monster on crack singing the praises of demons. That's not love, and hate is not prescribed or implied anywhere on this granite document. 

10) be not a cancer on the earth, leave room for nature, leave room for nature

There's that word again, cancer. Who is a cancer on the earth? Corporations! They dig up oil and reroute our natural waterways, only to pollute the planet for the greed of wealth. I am a cancer on the planet right now too, and so are you. Every gallon of fuel we burn, every piece of plastic we dispose of, and every tree that is cut down to build our home effects nature, and creates an ecological imbalance. The unchecked audacity of our species to claim self superiority over every other biological and botanical life form is really destructive and unsustainable. The bible says be fruitful. It doesn't say anything about ripping out the Rainforest lungs of the planet, or forcing other species into extinction. The creator "himself" can surely not be satisfied with the collective weapon of mass destruction that humanity has become. News flash. Billions of people are starving around the planet. On a global scale, we US citizens are the 1% hoarding the food, water and energy resources while the rest starve and suffer. We should really all be living off the grid, but we are addicted to our own culture of fast food and media distraction. We are the Old World Order, and that has to change before we end up eating ourselves. Why shouldn't we leave room for nature? What has nature ever done to harm us? Be good to nature, and nature will be good to you. Anyone who has ever planted a garden can tell you that. 

In closing, no, I'm not convinced that aliens have been or will return to the Earth. I'm at as much of a loss as anybody to explain these ancient structures. I do, however, believe in solar flares, and the scientific discovery that our Earth's magnetosphere has a gaping hole that leaves our planet vulnerable to solar radiation. Yes, wealthy people are building underground condos, but they can't control the sun, or where its radiation settles, or can they? Perhaps the HAARP program is being used for the purpose of controlling the impending radiation more than it is to control the weather. HAARP is a series of 72 ft talk antennas which  can direct electromagnetic waves that can create and move cloud formations. Since radiation could, hypothetically, be moved electromagnetically as well, I'm more inclined to believe that it's what HAARP is for. Does that mean these antennas are any less vulnerable to a direct hit from the sun, no.  Does the government know what's coming, of course they do. Is there a conspiracy to hide the truth? Of course there is. If every news anchor went on the air and told the world that a catastrophic event was coming, and when, you would witness social unrest and chaos that would put everybody on the planet at risk. I'm inclined to believe that solar flares could come in stages, and many will see them coming and try to prepare. For some, that means collecting canned food, living off the grid, and/or seeking shelter underground. For others, it would mean, "These are my last days and God isn't going to help me, so I'm going to rob you and live my last day like a king". Personally, I see no reason why anyone wouldn't want to have a gun handy, just in case. We can't trust our governments to protect us now, what would make anyone think we can trust them in the future. Hurricane Katrina was just a preview of what we can expect. Of course FEMA has built a bunch of prisons and stockpiled coffins. It's called catastrophe preparedness, and I do believe they know a lot that we do not about what could be coming our way. With every stage of the cataclysmic solar flare events we could experience, there will be social unrest and a need to imprison looters and thieves. There would be a need for caskets, in order to humanely bury the massive numbers of dead that this destruction could bring. If they were planning on just dumping our bodies into a landfill, like the Nazis, they wouldn't need caskets. The so called FEMA camps would be a necessary safe place for families to go, in order to escape chaos and homelessness. Why wouldn't they be designed to keep people from coming and going. It's security. I'm not advising anyone to sign up for a trailer. I'm just saying that things could get so bad that you might wish you had a reservation at one of these camps by the time it's all over. Is December 21, 2012 the end of the world? I don't think so. However, I can't ignore the ancient Mayan predictions, or their accuracy to date any more than I can explain them, and so it just makes sense to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. One thing is for certain, New World Order conspiracy, natural catastrophe or anything else of such a grand scale cannot be avoided by mere mortals like you or me. So don't lose sleep over something you cannot control. If you have faith in a God, then put your trust in your creator and pray for yourselves and your families. If you believe in an afterlife, you have nothing to worry about at all. Put it in God's hands.